This is about to get very personal.
Ever have a secret that defines you?
Like, it’s all you can think about, it effects all your emotions and actions, and worst of all- you don’t understand one little bit about it. Even after all these years, it’s a mystery to you.
I’ve found that thinking about what upsets me leads me to an emotional dependency on food. And I’ve been watching a lot of a show where a character acts as if he doesn’t feel. I was that person. I’d stopped feeling for YEARS and stopped being close to people. But what I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t angry about what was going on with me or the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I was content with my unemotional lifestyle.
Then there was someone who gained my extremely hard to earn trust and who I began confiding in. And brought back feelings I’d long since shut out. And I began to feel again, which made me emotional, which made me eat.
All. The. Time.
I eat when I’m sad, happy, bored, etc. But not angry. If I’m angry, I’m focused. I feel strong and safe.
After months of emotional turmoil, I’ve realized that I’m not okay with what’s going on inside me. I’m fucking pissed off about it. I want to scream about it and the effect discussing it has had on me emotionally AND physically. I want to stop thinking about how messed up I feel and how discussing it hasn’t helped at all. It’s brought me back to the starting point.
And so here I am, to tell you, tumblr followers, that I am angry and focused. I am without emotion. I am stone. I am GOING to change my life emotionally AND physically. And I will no long allow my emotions to dictate my relationship with food; I will NOT let my secrets define me. I will let my actions define me. I got too close, which is apparently something I do not have control over. And I HATE when I can’t control something. And so I’m taking my life back. No more crying, no more emotional eating, no more hating myself.
I am focused. I am an emotional rock. I will not be broken.