Lose it.

This is about to get very personal.

Ever have a secret that defines you?

Like, it’s all you can think about, it effects all your emotions and actions, and worst of all- you don’t understand one little bit about it. Even after all these years, it’s a mystery to you.

I’ve found that thinking about what upsets me leads me to an emotional dependency on food. And I’ve been watching a lot of a show where a character acts as if he doesn’t feel. I was that person. I’d stopped feeling for YEARS and stopped being close to people. But what I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t angry about what was going on with me or the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I was content with my unemotional lifestyle. 

Then there was someone who gained my extremely hard to earn trust and who I began confiding in. And brought back feelings I’d long since shut out. And I began to feel again, which made me emotional, which made me eat.

All. The. Time. 

I eat when I’m sad, happy, bored, etc. But not angry. If I’m angry, I’m focused. I feel strong and safe.

After months of emotional turmoil, I’ve realized that I’m not okay with what’s going on inside me. I’m fucking pissed off about it. I want to scream about it and the effect discussing it has had on me emotionally AND physically. I want to stop thinking about how messed up I feel and how discussing it hasn’t helped at all. It’s brought me back to the starting point.

And so here I am, to tell you, tumblr followers, that I am angry and focused. I am without emotion. I am stone. I am GOING to change my life emotionally AND physically. And I will no long allow my emotions to dictate my relationship with food; I will NOT let my secrets define me. I will let my actions define me. I got too close, which is apparently something I do not have control over. And I HATE when I can’t control something. And so I’m taking my life back. No more crying, no more emotional eating, no more hating myself. 

I am focused. I am an emotional rock. I will not be broken.

I’m going list things that keep me motivated to lose weight because today is hard and life is hard and anything worth doing is hard, so I’m getting the hell over it via self-motivation.

1. My roommate. She’s so concentrated on hating her looks that she doesn’t see the beautiful person she really is. And I adore her, she’s like my best friend. She diets and works out all the time and I don’t want to be a bad influence on someone I care about so much. 

2. My boyfriend works out all the time, despite working 40 hours a week and going to school full time. I want to find the fire he has for it and bury it deep inside me. I’m so envious. Teach me your ways.

3. I hate the way I look way more than anyone knows. It effects my psyche and happiness, more and more lately. I want it gone. I want to be healthy and happy. And I want to love myself.

4. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to move easily and run and throw, like I used to when I was an athlete. I don’t want diabetes, like my Dad. I just want to live as long as I can and this isn’t the way to do that.

5. I mostly just want to be happy. I know there’s more to being happy than fitness. But I feel like this is a step in the right direction.

You ever get to the point where you’re going and going and going and fuckin going and it’s like good habits, bad habits, you’re racing towards something and then you realized everyone else left you long ago? That’s what this feels like. Like I was eating my way to 300 pounds and reached it, even though I didn’t want to. And all my friends who weighed more than they should have lost it. ALL of them. Even if they didn’t mean to! I’m very happy for them, but it’s like bye guys. I’m here. Alone.

And I won’t be here anymore. I won’t. I’m done.